Somewhere out there in this vast land of America, at this very moment, someone is eating a burger. That is a mere fact.

I know this because a random internet article tells me that 75 hamburgers are sold each second.

I dare not verify that, for I am sure that this article’s website states only the facts.

As this is that annual sacred period known as National Hamburger Month, it’s only necessary (and predictable) that I should use this column space to explore the nation’s patties.

No, not those Pattys. And definitely not the cow ones. But I digress.

Without further ado, I present to you the Politically Incorrect Compendium of the American Burger. It’s a state-by-state guide.

Well, it includes the important states*, anyway.

Alabama

These burgers are rebels. They’re always causing trouble. And always losing, too.

Alaska

They’re made of fish. Baked from frozen. But only in late spring, summer, and early fall. Because it’s too dark and cold the rest of the year.

Arizona

Always hot and topped with cactus. Sometimes with an added rattlesnake for flare. See also: Nevada and New Mexico.

Arkansas

It’s a mystery. Just like the pronunciation of this state’s name.

California

Vegan. Served raw. Definitely no bun...

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